Adam Pontipee: Profiles in Manhood
Adam Pontipee is a man. A man’s man. A real man.
Played by Howard Keel in the MGM Classic, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Adam Pontipee was a rugged outdoorsman. Scratching a life for himself through hard mountain farming alongside his six brothers (Benjamin, Caleb, Dan, Ephraim, Frank(incense), and Gideon, Adam Pontipee tamed the wilds of Oregon Territory, blazing a trail for the hipsters who now squat on the land.
But is he the sort of man other men should strive to emulate? To find out, let’s go to the tale of the tape!
- Can plow twenty acres in a day and drop a tree within an inch of where he wants it.
- Can use the power of song to make reality bend to his will, as if calling upon a cosmic force through melody to achieve pioneer Kismet.
- Went to town to get himself a wife. Got a wife.
- Can lick all six of his brothers.
- Full of homespun wisdom: “Well, Pa used to say love is kind of like the measles. You only get it once. The older you are, the tougher it goes.”
- A better singer and dancer than Benjamin.
- Tricked Milly into marrying him without telling her he still had six brothers living at home.
- Convinced his brothers to each abduct an eligible young lady from town, using Roman history as justification.
- Mispronounced Sabine as Sobbin’.
- First child was a daughter; blamed it on his wife.
- Actively discouraged his wife’s attempts to make his brothers jackdandies, thus improving their marital prospects.
- Not as handsome as Benjamin.
Verdict: Emulate with Caution
The writer recommends you do, as a man, emulate the finer qualities of Adam Pontipee. This includes expert axemanship, tree felling, beard and mustache growth, persuasive singing, barn raising fisticuffs, and pioneering.
The reader must resist the urge to kidnap any potential mates or love interests, no matter how persuasive the song enticing them to do so. While it is admirable to meet and marry your spouse in one day, it is worth noting that such a relationship ought not be rife with lies of omission.