Lando Calrissian’s Confirmation Hearings
In a surprise move, Lando Calrissian is presented to the Senate to fill the role of Secretary of State. The only information the Senate is given is that he and the President go way back, and that he’s a scoundrel, so they should like him.
Lando enters the gallery and takes a seat, ready for his confirmation hearings. He clears his throat and leans toward the microphone.
LANDO: Hello, what have we here? (flicks microphone) Why are these comlinks so large?
SEN. WARREN: Mr. Calrissian…
LANDO: General Calrissian.
SEN. WARREN: General Calrissian…I’ll confess that until this morning the Senate was under the impression that you were a fictional character…
LANDO: Oh, I’m real all right.
Lando winks at Senator Warren.
SEN. WARREN: (flustered and somewhat perturbed) I…yes, I can see that. General, most of what is known about is gleaned from a series of science fiction movies and television shows. And, frankly, your character doesn’t exactly shine in those depictions.
Lando waves his hand in dismissal and leans back in his seat, placing his feet upon the table.
SEN. WARREN: However, I think the Senate, certainly I, can get a clearer picture of your qualifications by hearing your thoughts on banks. Are banks only greedy, or are they greedy and also evil?
LANDO: Greedy and evil. I’ve never met a bank that didn’t want their money back. The deal gets worse all the time. Why I had a mining operation on Lothal…
SEN. WARREN: (smiling) Thank you. That’s all I needed to hear.
Lando again winks at Senator Warren.
SEN. CRUZ: General, and thank you for your service, is it true that you were not born in the United States of America?
LANDO: I was born on the planet Socorro.
SEN. CRUZ: And this…Socorro…was not a territory of the United States, therefore you are not a citizen of the United States, and yet you’re sitting here seeking an appointment as Secretary of State.
LANDO: Yes and No. I wasn’t born a citizen, but the President just made me one. We shook on it.
SEN. CRUZ: That’s…that’s not how it works.
LANDO: (Shrugging) He said it was fine because he’s in charge.
SEN. CRUZ: …
Lando winks at Senator Warren, includes a wave.
SEN. CRUZ: General, I have no further questions personally, but I’d like to ask a question brought to my attention by my colleague, the Honorable Trey Gowdy, Representative of the 4th District of South Carolina. As you are aware, during the Benghazi attacks Secretary of State Hillary Clinton…
(Audible sighs from the panel)
SEN. CRUZ: …Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s State Department tolerated inadequate security and instead of responding swiftly, used the opportunity to feed the American public a false narrative blaming the attacks on a Youtube video. How would you, as Secretary of State, handled the situation differently?
LANDO: (Looking at his wrist comlink) I don’t know. Probably call Lobot.
SEN. CRUZ: I have no further questions and cede my time for Senator Bernie Sanders.
SEN. SANDERS: You were the administrator of a Tibana Gas Operation on the planet Bespin. Would you please share with us your title at that time?
LANDO: I was Baron Administrator of Cloud City, before the Empire came in placed a garrison.
SEN. SANDERS: Baron Administrator. What a fitting title for a man whose wealth exceeds an entire planet of Jawas and who profited from the slave wages rendered on Cloud City!
LANDO: Why you no good, dirty, double-crossing…I have no idea what you’re talking about.
SEN. SANDERS: I’m referring to the unequal pay and dangerous working conditions imposed upon the Ugnaughts.
LANDO: Oh. Ugnaughts are filthy little garbage creatures. They love it.
SEN. SANDERS: What they’d love more is a living wage, free health care (a human right), and affordable housing in the gentrified skylines of Cloud City!
LANDO: They’d love a bucket of slop and a protocol droid to dismantle.
Lando leans forward, inspecting Senator Sanders.
LANDO: Do you know Luke Skywalker?
SEN. SANDERS: I’m familiar with the name. I’m more of a Babylon 5 fan.
LANDO: Because you look like a guy he described to me after the Battle of Endor. Have you ever been to Dagobah?
That’s not the way the Senate and House of Reason want you to hear it. They want me—or one of my brothers—to remove my helmet and stand in front of a holocam, all smiles. They want you to see me without my N-4 rifle (I’m never without my N-4) holding a unit of water while a bunch of raggedy kids from Morobii or Grevulo, you can pick whatever ass-backward planet garners the most sympathy this week, dance around me smiling right back. They want me to give a thumbs up and to say, “At the edge of the galaxy, the Republic is making a difference!”
But the galaxy is a dumpster fire.
A hot, stinking, dumpster fire. And most days I don’t know if the Legionnaires are putting out the flames, or fanning them into an inferno.